When a baby is on the way, the couple must face this moment together. In this way he will be able to face the possible difficulties and doubts due to change.
Becoming parents is an intense and upsetting experience. The arrival of a “third” alters the balances that the couple has built previously and requires a new organization, both practical and psychological.
Alessandra Marelli, clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, president of ASIPP (Italian Scientific Association of Perinatal Psychology), explains: “Already starting from the desire to become parents, in the individual and in the couple, a series of projections are created on what will be, and these contribute to creating the so-called “psychic space”, a mental space that will help parents to welcome the unborn child. During pregnancy, then, a series of changes occur in women: from a physiological point of view there are some changes at the level of organs, tissues and hormones. Pregnancy is also a time of reflection and separation. From the psychic point of view, the expectant woman must process the separation from her mother and “come to terms” with memories and experiences with her».
Banning feelings of guilt
It is normal that the joy for the arrival of the child is also accompanied by worries.
“The future mother fears that she is not adequate to play the role of mother – adds the psychotherapist -, she begins to think about the things she can no longer do and those she will have to do. These thoughts do not come in an orderly manner, but are like an anomalous wave that overwhelms. It is absolutely physiological for this to happen. Unfortunately, in a society like ours, which exalts only some aspects of motherhood and is silent about others, many women do not express all these thoughts. They think they’re the only ones trying them. They believe that to be considered ‘good mothers’ they must necessarily talk about pregnancy and the future child only in idyllic terms. And they hide their fears. It is therefore necessary to reassure women about what will happen both physically and mentally. That way they won’t feel different and guilty.”
Don’t underestimate the role of dads
The wait also involves the man, who is preparing to become a father. And it is essential today more than ever to involve them.
“Future fathers are not accessories, which may or may not exist – continues Alessandra Marelli – but they are fundamental for both the woman and the unborn child. The courses accompanying the birth must be done in pairs. Research has shown how the couple’s experiences are interrelated and how post-paternal birth depression (a condition underdiagnosed, but constantly increasing) can affect the health of mother and newborn. If the couple proceeds together on the path to parenthood, the risk is much lower. An interview with a psychologist can be useful to understand what is physiological and what can cause real concern».
Man is fundamental if he knows he is. If he knows what happens to the woman and to himself. In this way he can exercise his pivotal function, which is to protect and reassure his partner.
The importance of the couple
For the couple it is important to dedicate time to each other, listen to each other without judging each other, share in addition to the immense joy, also the fears and fears. Because there is no role to play, but you have to tailor that of parents.
“If the father knows what his function is, he will not feel excluded. If she knows that taking care of her mother means doing good to her child too, she will feel no less important. Moreover – underlines the expert – for fathers it is important to spend time with their children, right away. They must be able to hold them in their arms and cuddle them, observe them, take them for a walk. Mothers must encourage this bond and never prevent it. They must trust their comrades and let them find their own space.”
After the birth, however, the couple must take time to settle down. Becoming parents does not mean ceasing to be women or men. It is important that the couple remains a couple, an accomplice. The child otherwise risks becoming the one who “breaks” the couple, who separates it.
Joycelyn Elders is the author and creator of EmpowerEssence, a health and wellness blog. Elders is a respected public health advocate and pediatrician dedicated to promoting general health and well-being.
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